Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.