I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Facebook memories be like
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.