Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.