Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals