[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
What a website
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.