My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
You Might Also Like
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon