The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You Might Also Like
Does this dress make me look cat?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway