ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You Might Also Like
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.