Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy