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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.