I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.