A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Running from your problems is cardio .
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When libraries troll their patrons.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.