reduce, reuse, recycle
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong