Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running