Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name