Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The booster protects against what, now?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.