My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.