Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Worst Native American name ever.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack