Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.