an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met