Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
(Jupiter –
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee