5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You Might Also Like
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
mom gave me mine for free
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Life is a suicide mission.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.