Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this