(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?