I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.