Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*