I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.