cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.