[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands