ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.