imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account