I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”