Cake!!
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.