When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.