Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve