“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”