She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Feels
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT