A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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A friend sent me this.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it