Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’m sorry…what?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush