I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat