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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you