[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.