8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“I’m helping” 😅
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
😆this is so true
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”