17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there