Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*launders Kohls cash*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?