People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend