Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?