I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I鈥檓 angry, too
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What鈥檚 your point?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can鈥檛 make me better, i can make us both worse.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHR脰DINGER: *nods approvingly*
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you鈥檙e a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don鈥檛.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I鈥檝e learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
馃ゲ
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn鈥檛 be too bad
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It鈥檚 like the world is being written by a third grader now.
鈥淭hen the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
The Friday File.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief