I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
no cat here
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
New mindset, who dis?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available