All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
that lip filler tho
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
and this one
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
He’s cranky this morning
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
tinder is all about the long game
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands